Living for today?

I woke up from my rut-induced coma today to realize I haven't blogged since August 28th.

As each day passed, I knew I wasn't blogging, but I didn't notice how fast the days were moving. I've missed writing, and felt guilty about it, but I've just been so exhausted.

Between my work schedule, home stress, financial stress and life stress, I have felt not just tired -- but pretty claustrophobic... The point you reach when you want to walk away from it all, just to have a second to breathe and exist... to be. Be you.

I'm the worst at living for the future. Medicine does that to you. Put your time in now, for a reward at the end of the rainbow, some 7... 8... 9 years down the line. Just remember that salary... the car you can buy... the loans you can pay off... oh the places we will go!

You're tired today? Oh, don't worry, it'll be over in a few years. You miss your family? That's okay, you can buy them loads of stuff later.

The thought occurred to me... as I watched all of my interpersonal relationships suffer at the hand of working 80 hours a week, plus all the outside work...

What if none of these people are here at the end of the journey? Then, is all of this really worth it?

What will be left of me, constantly ignoring my daily needs for some promise that could conceivably never happen? We see tragedy every day -- the kid who doesn't make it to graduation because of some freak accident. The father who dies right before his kid is born. It happens. Being unhappy today is not worth some random point in the future that I can't smell, taste or touch right now. Or is it??

Out of complete emotional exhaustion, I've found myself peeling away anything unnecessary. Unnecessary conversation (no drama, please!), unnecessary battles (oh, she said that about me? oh well), unnecessary responsibility (another pet project? no thank you). My theme this month is conservation of energy. It's the only way I've made it to write to you guys right now. Leaving the unnecessary behind.

The rut spares no one. As I've written before, there is no cure, and you always have to be ready to fight it off. The truth is, that sometimes the small nuggets of time you get after working 13-hour shifts for 15 straight days just isn't enough. It isn't enough to feel whole. Isn't enough time to sleep and do something to pamper yourself. Sometimes, it's barely enough to survive.

And at that point, you need to take your life back.

Right now -- I'm doing my best.

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I was looking for the perfect, sentimental quote about living for today, but I couldn't resist sharing this:

If you have one eye on yesterday, and one eye on tomorrow, you're going to be cockeyed today. ~Author Unknown

Just perfect.

Dr. Ty
From the GAL Blog
www.getalifecampaign.com