Sick day # 3

Today is the first day I didn't wake up with a temperature above 101 despite around the clock Motrin. I guess that signals improvement.

Yesterday, I did, however, clear from my feverish delirium enough to finish Emily Giffin's second book, Something Blue.











I read her first book in Cancun, and I highly recommend reading them in order.












SUCH a quick read, such vivid characters. It made me forget for a few hours that I was contemplating whether I had contracted the plague.

To all my GALs out there battling those annoying viruses (flu, flu-like, cold, etc.)... drink lots and lots of fluids, treat the symptoms, and get lots of rest. If you must do SOMEthing, curl up with a good book.

Dr. Ty
From the GAL Blog
www.getalifecampaign.com
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Otherwise Known As Ty The Great

I took my (3rd favorite) shortcut from New Jersey to Connecticut earlier this week to avoid the George-Washington-Bridge-Sunday-night-northbound-nightmare. My detour took me up Palisades Parkway and onto I-287 East, which passes by a town called Tarrytown.

Yes, I've taken this extended route at least 11 times since I first left for college in Boston over a decade ago. But, this night, the only person awake in the car, I really noticed the sign for Tarrytown, and it forced me to remember the first time I had ever heard of such a town...

JUDY BLUME'S "OTHERWISE KNOWN AS SHEILA THE GREAT"

What a great book. My heart skipped a beat remembering how fun her books were. I had never been to Tarrytown (still haven't). I had hardly left the state of New Jersey back then.

As a pre-teen, I vividly dreamed of all the towns described in Blume's books, in the Babysitter's Club series, and Nancy Drew novels. I lived vicariously through these characters. I vowed that when I was older that I would visit all of these really cool places. Clearly, it was the beginning of my insane addiction to traveling (not to mention that The Babysitter's Club was to the pre-teen me what SATC is to me now).

But, Judy Blume's book was the first. I remember thinking, wow, Tarrytown is just in New York, it's SO close to me, yet it sounds like a totally different reality. Maybe one of these trips, I'll have to carve out time to stop and see if it lives up to my 9-year-old expectations.

What books are imprinted in your memories? Which books did you read during the pre-teen years that made you want to be something extraordinary (or weird), visit a certain place, fuel your love of reading, or have characters who you still remember?

Just a shout for Blume's other books I can still remember plots of: Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret, Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing and Freckle Juice. And one NON-Blume book: Freaky Friday, which made a comeback in 2003 with Jamie Curtis and Lindsay Lohan. I still think the idea was SO clever!

Ahh... to read like a kid again...

Dr. Ty
From the GAL Blog
www.getalifecampaign.com
Please leave comments here.

What I've had my nose in lately

Set a goal or else time escapes you.

In order to keep myself accountable to my reading goals for the year, I'm sharing them with you guys.

Prior to fall 2006 (when GAL was born), I only read nonfiction (political, psychological philosophical-type books) and textbooks until my GAL pal Nakia disapprovingly eyed my bookshelf, declared that I was boring (gasp), and prescribed more fiction for my ailment.

I started with The Heiress of Water and I've been hooked ever since. I used to read a ton of fiction as a kid, but somewhere I think I became too "serious" for that. Truly, letting yourself get taken away to some far away world is so relaxing.

So -- Stop making excuses! Even if you read ONE page, it's one page closer to finishing, and one additional page of fun.

2008 TALLY

READ SO FAR:
The Alchemist
Harry Potter and the Prizoner of Azkaban
Being In Love by Osho


To be read before September 30:
Jesus Land: A Memoir
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire


To read by the end of the year:

The Memory Keeper's Daughter
On Writing by Stephen King
Just Too Good to Be True by E. Lynn Harris (comes out July 15th... pre-ordered a copy months ago)


Now that's I've posted this here, you all have to hold me to it. Feel free to share your reading tally for '08. For my GALs who spend a lot of time in the car...

How do you feel about fiction on audio CD?

I also noticed that when I consciously turn off my laptop, it's so much easier for me to read for leisure. Being on the computer zaps so much of my time! Try it tonight. Decide that you'll cut it off 2 hours earlier than usual. Let me know what happens.

Dr. Ty
From the GAL Blog
Haven't read "The Get A Life Campaign?" get your copy!

Relationships, simplified...

You know how someone mentions something to you, something you’ve never heard of before? Then every day for the next two weeks, all of a sudden that “thing” is everywhere – on television, talk shows, work conversations, and you think to yourself, am I noticing it because I just heard of it, or is everyone else just catching on too?

Well that’s how I feel about the term “boundaries.” It was introduced to me two weeks ago, and since then I’ve heard about them, I’ve seen them in blogs, on websites, and even used them in the advice I’ve delivered to friends. Strange.

There are set boundaries that we all have – for example, random people don’t just come and invade your boundary of personal space and move into your house at will; or snatch your food while you’re having your lunch; or spit in your face because they had a bad day. But, I hadn’t really thought about boundaries as it related to my recent frustrations and my relationship struggles – with significant others, family and friends.

Well, long story short (yea right -- ya’ll know I can’t keep anything short), here’s what I learned.

If you don’t make boundaries to protect yourself, express those boundaries (along with the consequences), and actually execute said consequences when needed, you will never be treated the way you deserve.
This is how it goes: You want things to go a certain way. You want Mr. Wonderful to start spending more time with you/shower you with more attention/stop calling his ex/wine and dine you more/stop showing up late/start calling you before you call him… and the list could go on. So, you either A) Say nothing and wait for him to just KNOW what you need, meanwhile it’s bothering you. B) Say something about it and wait, meanwhile nothing changes.

Read: Saying something without setting a consequence makes B the same as A. You might think you’re communicating, but you’re not.

So, this is how it’s supposed to go according to the boundary experts: You want Mr. Wonderful to stop showing up late or standing you up. You’re supposed to name the actions that are troubling you, say how it makes you feel, ask him to stop (or some other compromise), and then say what will happen if he doesn’t.

Basically: When you show up late on nights that I’ve cooked dinner for you, or you bail on our plans, it makes me feel like you don’t value our time together. And that makes me sad, because I enjoy spending time with you. If you can’t make it, I want you to call me ahead of time and let me know, or work harder to get there on time. If you don’t, then I will stop putting you #1 on my priority list (read: other plans will come before yours) or I won’t allow you to come in the door after a certain time.

DON’T say things like, When you take me for granted… when you’re inconsiderate…
Why? Because you’re making a judgment on the person’s actions and they can just say, “No, I didn’t. That’s not what I meant.” But if you specifically name the actions only, and then say how it makes you feel, it’s a little different.

DON’T make threats. Don’t be manipulative and threaten to leave every time your mate steps out of line. Don’t make the consequence out of sync with the problem. For example, if Mr. Wonderful doesn’t wash dishes for a month straight, then your consequence is that you’re not washing them anymore and he can eat out. Clearly, the consequence is not “I’m divorcing you!” Be reasonable, but firm.


Oh – and you have to really do the consequence. For those who have kids/nieces/nephews/cousins, imagine if you say to a 2-year-old: “If you don’t stop jumping on the bed, I’m going to take your stuffed animal away.” Kid keeps jumping. You never take the stuffed animal away. The next time you say, “If you don’t eat all your veggies, I’m going to put you to bed early,” said kid is probably not going to believe you, respect you or stop doing the undesired activity. So, let this be a lesson to you. If you make threats but never go through with it, things will not change. You might as well have said nothing.

So, back to me (it’s MY blog darn it!)

I was introduced to this concept because there is one particular issue in my past that I couldn’t shake. It actually isn’t the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, but for some reason, I could not get rid of my anger toward it. I hated that. I hate when things have control over me. I got to the point where I realized that I felt like a victim in the situation, and I was upset because I felt like I had been the “bigger person” and it got me nowhere. That everyone else is perfectly fine and unaffected yet I’m still pissed off. It was at that point that an outside party planted a seed.

That seed was, the reason I am still upset and can’t shake it (despite having received apologies, and for all intents and purposes, came out on top), was because I wasn’t really pissed off at everyone else. I was pissed off at myself. This is not to say that every problem you have in life is your fault, but how you choose to deal with it is under your control. In every situation where we feel like we have no choice, we DO. It may not be desirable, but we do.
How does this translate to me and my boundaries? Basically, I made choice B. I brought up the things I had issues with but I never made a consequence. I never cut anyone off. I never left. I never did anything. At times, I complained and argued, but mostly I “dealt” with it. I carried my head high, because I was “strong” enough to deal with the bull crap. But in reality, I’m pissed. I’m pissed that I didn’t have the balls to stand up for myself. I’m pissed that I was waiting for other people to care about me, when I clearly couldn’t do it for myself. And at the root of it all, was that I was afraid to just put my foot down and say, THIS IS WHAT I WANT OR YOU CAN BE OUT, because of the OUT part.

In hindsight, it sounds stupid. Why would I be afraid of losing someone that doesn’t care about my feelings? But, in the moment, it never seems that clear. Ever. But, it’s the reality. Sadly, that isn’t the only example of when I’ve done this. It’s my pattern.

And I wasn’t helping anyone by sulking in silence. Because what ends up happening is that you build resentment, or anger. It doesn’t go away. It waits… until you’re vulnerable again, either with those people or other people and it rears its ugly head. And then, you’re stuck. You’re blindsided. “But, I dealt with this already. This was years ago!” And this resentment, this past issue, this pain, stands in the way of you and the happiness that was just just just within your reach.

So, please. I beg of you guys. Stop putting yourself second. And stop being afraid of people leaving. You deserve more. We deserve more. Loneliness hurts, I know. But, so does consistently getting your feelings hurt, whether intentionally or not. Everyone who hurts you isn’t a bad person, but that doesn’t mean that they deserve to be in your life. And sometimes, people just have no friggin idea that we aren’t getting what we want, because we don’t say anything – people are not mind readers.

And to myself: Ty, stop making excuses for people. Well, once she isn’t having a bad day at work… once he graduates from school… once his mom moves out of the country… blah blah blah. If you’re not important now, you’ll never be, regardless of the excuse. Stop feeling bad for knowing what you want. If you’re honest and fair, the people who truly care will be there.

And lastly -- From this philosophy book I just finished reading, “Being In Love” by Osho:

“Only those people capable of being alone are capable of love.”

‘Aint that the truth?

Look for my Love, Simplified blog tomorrow.


Dr. Ty
Author of "The Get A Life Campaign"
From the GAL Blog
www.getalifecampaign.com

How Making Assumptions Ruins Our Lives

I just finished "The Four Agreements" by don Miguel Ruiz. I can't say that I whole heartedly believe in every word in the book, but it raises some very necessary awareness about the destructive patterns that we (people) unconsciously subscribe to every day.


The piece that I want to pass on today has to do with how we are ruled (negatively) by our assumptions, and that it boils down with us not feeling worthy of really knowing the truth and asking questions:

"If others tell us something, we make assumptions to fulfill our need to know and to replace the need to communicate. Even if we hear something and we don't understand, we make assumptions about what it means and then believe the assumptions. We make all sorts of assumptions because we don't have the courage to ask questions.

These assumptions are made so fast and unconsciously most of the time because we have agreements to communicate this way. We have agreed that it is not safe to ask questions; we have agreed that if people love us, they should know what we want or how we feel. When we believe something, we assume we are right about it to the point that we will destroy relationships in order to defend our position.

We make the assumption that everyone sees life the way we do. We assume that others think the way we think, feel the way we feel, judge the way we judge, and abuse the way we abuse."

So today's take home message is to work on NOT letting negativity in any form (especially assumptions) from running your life to the point of unhappiness and wrecking your interpersonal relationships. As much as people dislike being confrontational, isn't it better to just put everything on the table and know the truth rather than walking around feeling hurt/angry/sad about something that you misinterpreted??

Today is NO ASSUMPTIONS DAY -- don't assume your interpretation is always the right one. There's always another side to the story.

Dr. Ty
www.getalifecampaign.com