Carrie Fever - the plague of the friendless?

It's funny.

First, I posted my billboard advertisement for women friends like Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte, and Miranda in my February post: Has Sex And The City Misled Us?

Then, I chronicled our freedom-filled, fun-filled SATC themed weekend in Chicago (not even a week ago -- where did the time go??), complete with pics of the crowds of women dressed to the 'nines and in groups of no less than 4 (of course) lined up to see our favorite GALs on the big screen.

Now, Irene S. Levine writes to her graduating readers to hold on to their friends: "the gift that keeps on giving," and uses us poor souls (SATC movie flockers) as an example of how women don't have enough good friends (Thanks a lot, Irene!). But, despite my bruised ego, her tips do include solid advice:

Make yourself a promise to keep up with your school chums---especially the ones with whom you have been able to share both happiness and heartbreaks. As you age and life becomes more complex and demanding, you'll realize that you have given yourself the most wonderful treasure. A few of the basics:

1) Always make friendship a priority (right up there after family). If you need a rationale to convince you, here it is: Research shows that social support and close friendships are linked to improved health and emotional well-being.

2) Get rid of toxic friendships that are consistently negative and emotionally draining. We all have one or two gal pals that are annoying to be with, people we feel ambivalent about and who probably feel ambivalent about us. Just let go of them.

3) Find any excuse to create rituals to stay in touch with the good friends. It shouldn't be a one-time affair. Make a plan to get together every month or at least several times a year. It can be on milestone birthdays or periodic girlfriend getaway jaunts. Or even the opening of a long-awaited chick flick!

4) In-between, use every way possible to stay connected via cell phones, Blackberries, and old-fashioned letters until the next time your see each other.

Female graduates: Congratulations---Go forth with your friends!

We actually had a similar discussion during our trip -- which friends are more valuable to us: the ones we've known forever and who remember our unrefined selves (braces, horrible fashion sense, deadbeat boyfriends), or the new friends whose lives may be more similar to our current ones?

The vote was mixed, but we agreed, there is merit in both types of friendships. You can certainly outgrow old friends, and you never want to be stagnant, but it's nice to remember the old times. Sometimes, it's just what I need when I feel life is getting too complicated -- go home, and trade silly, boy crazy stories with my high school friends, and feel more grounded.

However, if you're the first of your friends to get married or have a kid or advance your career, it can be lonely. And that's where the new friends come in (or, if your childhood friend develops a nasty habit or a taste for backstabbing -- enter the replacements).

If you're one of the lucky ones who has an old friend who still loves you despite your younger self, and has a life similar to the older you (career, relationship, family, interests), keep that friendship in a choke hold! -- and count your blessings.

My Rutbreakers style find: Like.com, where you can find outfits based on style and color across a bunch of different stores. Check it out!


Dr. Ty
From the GAL Blog
www.getalifecampaign.com

Relationships, simplified...

You know how someone mentions something to you, something you’ve never heard of before? Then every day for the next two weeks, all of a sudden that “thing” is everywhere – on television, talk shows, work conversations, and you think to yourself, am I noticing it because I just heard of it, or is everyone else just catching on too?

Well that’s how I feel about the term “boundaries.” It was introduced to me two weeks ago, and since then I’ve heard about them, I’ve seen them in blogs, on websites, and even used them in the advice I’ve delivered to friends. Strange.

There are set boundaries that we all have – for example, random people don’t just come and invade your boundary of personal space and move into your house at will; or snatch your food while you’re having your lunch; or spit in your face because they had a bad day. But, I hadn’t really thought about boundaries as it related to my recent frustrations and my relationship struggles – with significant others, family and friends.

Well, long story short (yea right -- ya’ll know I can’t keep anything short), here’s what I learned.

If you don’t make boundaries to protect yourself, express those boundaries (along with the consequences), and actually execute said consequences when needed, you will never be treated the way you deserve.
This is how it goes: You want things to go a certain way. You want Mr. Wonderful to start spending more time with you/shower you with more attention/stop calling his ex/wine and dine you more/stop showing up late/start calling you before you call him… and the list could go on. So, you either A) Say nothing and wait for him to just KNOW what you need, meanwhile it’s bothering you. B) Say something about it and wait, meanwhile nothing changes.

Read: Saying something without setting a consequence makes B the same as A. You might think you’re communicating, but you’re not.

So, this is how it’s supposed to go according to the boundary experts: You want Mr. Wonderful to stop showing up late or standing you up. You’re supposed to name the actions that are troubling you, say how it makes you feel, ask him to stop (or some other compromise), and then say what will happen if he doesn’t.

Basically: When you show up late on nights that I’ve cooked dinner for you, or you bail on our plans, it makes me feel like you don’t value our time together. And that makes me sad, because I enjoy spending time with you. If you can’t make it, I want you to call me ahead of time and let me know, or work harder to get there on time. If you don’t, then I will stop putting you #1 on my priority list (read: other plans will come before yours) or I won’t allow you to come in the door after a certain time.

DON’T say things like, When you take me for granted… when you’re inconsiderate…
Why? Because you’re making a judgment on the person’s actions and they can just say, “No, I didn’t. That’s not what I meant.” But if you specifically name the actions only, and then say how it makes you feel, it’s a little different.

DON’T make threats. Don’t be manipulative and threaten to leave every time your mate steps out of line. Don’t make the consequence out of sync with the problem. For example, if Mr. Wonderful doesn’t wash dishes for a month straight, then your consequence is that you’re not washing them anymore and he can eat out. Clearly, the consequence is not “I’m divorcing you!” Be reasonable, but firm.


Oh – and you have to really do the consequence. For those who have kids/nieces/nephews/cousins, imagine if you say to a 2-year-old: “If you don’t stop jumping on the bed, I’m going to take your stuffed animal away.” Kid keeps jumping. You never take the stuffed animal away. The next time you say, “If you don’t eat all your veggies, I’m going to put you to bed early,” said kid is probably not going to believe you, respect you or stop doing the undesired activity. So, let this be a lesson to you. If you make threats but never go through with it, things will not change. You might as well have said nothing.

So, back to me (it’s MY blog darn it!)

I was introduced to this concept because there is one particular issue in my past that I couldn’t shake. It actually isn’t the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, but for some reason, I could not get rid of my anger toward it. I hated that. I hate when things have control over me. I got to the point where I realized that I felt like a victim in the situation, and I was upset because I felt like I had been the “bigger person” and it got me nowhere. That everyone else is perfectly fine and unaffected yet I’m still pissed off. It was at that point that an outside party planted a seed.

That seed was, the reason I am still upset and can’t shake it (despite having received apologies, and for all intents and purposes, came out on top), was because I wasn’t really pissed off at everyone else. I was pissed off at myself. This is not to say that every problem you have in life is your fault, but how you choose to deal with it is under your control. In every situation where we feel like we have no choice, we DO. It may not be desirable, but we do.
How does this translate to me and my boundaries? Basically, I made choice B. I brought up the things I had issues with but I never made a consequence. I never cut anyone off. I never left. I never did anything. At times, I complained and argued, but mostly I “dealt” with it. I carried my head high, because I was “strong” enough to deal with the bull crap. But in reality, I’m pissed. I’m pissed that I didn’t have the balls to stand up for myself. I’m pissed that I was waiting for other people to care about me, when I clearly couldn’t do it for myself. And at the root of it all, was that I was afraid to just put my foot down and say, THIS IS WHAT I WANT OR YOU CAN BE OUT, because of the OUT part.

In hindsight, it sounds stupid. Why would I be afraid of losing someone that doesn’t care about my feelings? But, in the moment, it never seems that clear. Ever. But, it’s the reality. Sadly, that isn’t the only example of when I’ve done this. It’s my pattern.

And I wasn’t helping anyone by sulking in silence. Because what ends up happening is that you build resentment, or anger. It doesn’t go away. It waits… until you’re vulnerable again, either with those people or other people and it rears its ugly head. And then, you’re stuck. You’re blindsided. “But, I dealt with this already. This was years ago!” And this resentment, this past issue, this pain, stands in the way of you and the happiness that was just just just within your reach.

So, please. I beg of you guys. Stop putting yourself second. And stop being afraid of people leaving. You deserve more. We deserve more. Loneliness hurts, I know. But, so does consistently getting your feelings hurt, whether intentionally or not. Everyone who hurts you isn’t a bad person, but that doesn’t mean that they deserve to be in your life. And sometimes, people just have no friggin idea that we aren’t getting what we want, because we don’t say anything – people are not mind readers.

And to myself: Ty, stop making excuses for people. Well, once she isn’t having a bad day at work… once he graduates from school… once his mom moves out of the country… blah blah blah. If you’re not important now, you’ll never be, regardless of the excuse. Stop feeling bad for knowing what you want. If you’re honest and fair, the people who truly care will be there.

And lastly -- From this philosophy book I just finished reading, “Being In Love” by Osho:

“Only those people capable of being alone are capable of love.”

‘Aint that the truth?

Look for my Love, Simplified blog tomorrow.


Dr. Ty
Author of "The Get A Life Campaign"
From the GAL Blog
www.getalifecampaign.com

'Twas The Season For Breakups...

December usually evokes images of fat white men in beards, dancing reindeer, floppy iridescent bows, holiday office parties, and those infamous Grab Bags. February, on the other hand, takes whatever red garnish is leftover from Christmas and dons it with hearts of varying sizes, while cupid injects daydreams of falling in love into our Holiday-fattened rear ends.

However, judging from my epic long conversations with girlfriends, and them with their girlfriends and them with their girlfriends, an odd phenomenon is taking place that leads me to one conclusion… ‘twas actually the season of breaking up.

Maybe we failed to read the snugglebunny manual which explicitly states you should only run loose in the world during temperatures of more than 65 degrees Fahrenheit. By the time the colder months hit (read: less than 50 degrees), your position as someone’s snugglebunny should already be secured, as not to spend cold nights alone. Maybe that memo ended up in our Spam folders.

So, in true GAL fashion, I’m here to bring the first installment of the GAL guide to weathering breakups (yet still maintaining who you are):


Give yourself time to mourn

It’s too easy to fall on one end or the other of extremes: either shrivel up into a corner and become the Kleenex spokeswoman, or jam-pack your schedule such that you barely have time to think about you-know-who. Instead, try the middle ground. Dedicate a specific time for mourning or obsession (one week, every day after 4pm, or while driving home from work). Think as much as you want about him/her, write in your journal, drink wine, vent to your friends, or throw darts at your ex’s mugshot, whatever makes you happy. Then, go on with life. Don’t daydream about it all day, misting up in meetings, taking personal calls at work, blowing up at the mailman. At the end of it all, you want a life that you are proud of. Don’t screw up what you have left of your life pining over someone who’s gone.


Remember who you were

This topic never goes away in GAL-land. Anyone who has dated someone for more than three weeks knows how the process of falling in love, the time it demands and simply how good it feels manages to take us away from reality. Sometimes, we find our way back and sometimes, everything we do is colored by our relationships. If our cutiepie compliments us or we have a weekend rendezvous, then the annoying chick at work doesn’t seem so annoying. Yet, let our cutiepie stand us up or pick a fight, then the whole world comes to an end. As much as we embark on relationships in order to share our lives with someone else – to have a definite date to any function, a consistent sex partner, someone to confide in – at the root of it all, you were and are your own person. It may just take time to find her again.


Fake it ‘til you feel it.

I would be a complete liar if I sat here and typed to you that if the love of your life – or even the jerkface of your life – walked out of the door tomorrow that you’d be unscathed and ready to pick up and keep rolling like the rock-hard stone you are. It will hurt. It will burn. That empty, lonely pit in your stomach will be there. You will be reminded of it every time someone asks how your ex is or what your plans are for xyz holiday, or every Friday when you drive by you guys’ favorite spot. But, in order to make it, sometimes you have to fake it. Make an effort to find joy in the things that are left. If someone at work makes a joke, don’t be a sourpuss, laugh. Stop hitting ignore when your friends or family call. Accept an invitation for drinks from your co-workers and pretend like you’re having a blast. There is a time and a place for everything. And if you make every other part of your life miserable and pitiful with your sulking, you will have no refuge. And truthfully, after a while, the chemicals released during your laughter and smiling may actually be enough to start helping you over the hump.


Be sparing with family and friends

You have your own feelings to deal with. Do you really want to deal with your sobbing aunt who loved your sweetheart to death? Or your mom who is devastated that you ruined her chances to be a grandma? Deal with how you feel about the issue first, even if that means avoiding (or down right bending) the truth. Here’s my philosophy: You will not want to think about the breakup every single day of your life, and there will come a day that you feel fabulous (I know you don’t believe me right now). And if everyone knows what’s going on, someone will undoubtedly hit you with the infamous poor-baby question, “How are you holding up, girl?” on a day when you feel wonderful, and instantly, your good day is gone, your thoughts are getting the better of you, and you’re trapped in the misery again.

That's enough for now.

Next time, we’ll talk about how not to be a stalker (or look like one); the dilemma when kids are involved; moving on to the next relationship (too soon or not enough time?); and more coping skills.

I'd love to hear what you think!

Dr. Ty
Visit www.getalifecampaign.com for more tips and a copy of "The Get A Life Campaign!"