You know how someone mentions something to you, something you’ve never heard of before? Then every day for the next two weeks, all of a sudden that “thing” is everywhere – on television, talk shows, work conversations, and you think to yourself, am I noticing it because I just heard of it, or is everyone else just catching on too?
Well that’s how I feel about the term “boundaries.” It was introduced to me two weeks ago, and since then I’ve heard about them, I’ve seen them in blogs, on websites, and even used them in the advice I’ve delivered to friends. Strange.
There are set boundaries that we all have – for example, random people don’t just come and invade your boundary of personal space and move into your house at will; or snatch your food while you’re having your lunch; or spit in your face because they had a bad day. But, I hadn’t really thought about boundaries as it related to my recent frustrations and my relationship struggles – with significant others, family and friends.
Well, long story short (yea right -- ya’ll know I can’t keep anything short), here’s what I learned.
If you don’t make boundaries to protect yourself, express those boundaries (along with the consequences), and actually execute said consequences when needed, you will never be treated the way you deserve.
This is how it goes: You want things to go a certain way. You want Mr. Wonderful to start spending more time with you/shower you with more attention/stop calling his ex/wine and dine you more/stop showing up late/start calling you before you call him… and the list could go on. So, you either A) Say nothing and wait for him to just KNOW what you need, meanwhile it’s bothering you. B) Say something about it and wait, meanwhile nothing changes.
Read: Saying something without setting a consequence makes B the same as A. You might think you’re communicating, but you’re not.
So, this is how it’s supposed to go according to the boundary experts: You want Mr. Wonderful to stop showing up late or standing you up. You’re supposed to name the actions that are troubling you, say how it makes you feel, ask him to stop (or some other compromise), and then say what will happen if he doesn’t.
Basically: When you show up late on nights that I’ve cooked dinner for you, or you bail on our plans, it makes me feel like you don’t value our time together. And that makes me sad, because I enjoy spending time with you. If you can’t make it, I want you to call me ahead of time and let me know, or work harder to get there on time. If you don’t, then I will stop putting you #1 on my priority list (read: other plans will come before yours) or I won’t allow you to come in the door after a certain time.
DON’T say things like, When you take me for granted… when you’re inconsiderate…
Why? Because you’re making a judgment on the person’s actions and they can just say, “No, I didn’t. That’s not what I meant.” But if you specifically name the actions only, and then say how it makes you feel, it’s a little different.
DON’T make threats. Don’t be manipulative and threaten to leave every time your mate steps out of line. Don’t make the consequence out of sync with the problem. For example, if Mr. Wonderful doesn’t wash dishes for a month straight, then your consequence is that you’re not washing them anymore and he can eat out. Clearly, the consequence is not “I’m divorcing you!” Be reasonable, but firm.
Oh – and you have to really do the consequence. For those who have kids/nieces/nephews/cousins, imagine if you say to a 2-year-old: “If you don’t stop jumping on the bed, I’m going to take your stuffed animal away.” Kid keeps jumping. You never take the stuffed animal away. The next time you say, “If you don’t eat all your veggies, I’m going to put you to bed early,” said kid is probably not going to believe you, respect you or stop doing the undesired activity. So, let this be a lesson to you. If you make threats but never go through with it, things will not change. You might as well have said nothing.
So, back to me (it’s MY blog darn it!)
I was introduced to this concept because there is one particular issue in my past that I couldn’t shake. It actually isn’t the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, but for some reason, I could not get rid of my anger toward it. I hated that. I hate when things have control over me. I got to the point where I realized that I felt like a victim in the situation, and I was upset because I felt like I had been the “bigger person” and it got me nowhere. That everyone else is perfectly fine and unaffected yet I’m still pissed off. It was at that point that an outside party planted a seed.
That seed was, the reason I am still upset and can’t shake it (despite having received apologies, and for all intents and purposes, came out on top), was because I wasn’t really pissed off at everyone else. I was pissed off at myself. This is not to say that every problem you have in life is your fault, but how you choose to deal with it is under your control. In every situation where we feel like we have no choice, we DO. It may not be desirable, but we do.
How does this translate to me and my boundaries? Basically, I made choice B. I brought up the things I had issues with but I never made a consequence. I never cut anyone off. I never left. I never did anything. At times, I complained and argued, but mostly I “dealt” with it. I carried my head high, because I was “strong” enough to deal with the bull crap. But in reality, I’m pissed. I’m pissed that I didn’t have the balls to stand up for myself. I’m pissed that I was waiting for other people to care about me, when I clearly couldn’t do it for myself. And at the root of it all, was that I was afraid to just put my foot down and say, THIS IS WHAT I WANT OR YOU CAN BE OUT, because of the OUT part.
In hindsight, it sounds stupid. Why would I be afraid of losing someone that doesn’t care about my feelings? But, in the moment, it never seems that clear. Ever. But, it’s the reality. Sadly, that isn’t the only example of when I’ve done this. It’s my pattern.
And I wasn’t helping anyone by sulking in silence. Because what ends up happening is that you build resentment, or anger. It doesn’t go away. It waits… until you’re vulnerable again, either with those people or other people and it rears its ugly head. And then, you’re stuck. You’re blindsided. “But, I dealt with this already. This was years ago!” And this resentment, this past issue, this pain, stands in the way of you and the happiness that was just just just within your reach.
So, please. I beg of you guys. Stop putting yourself second. And stop being afraid of people leaving. You deserve more. We deserve more. Loneliness hurts, I know. But, so does consistently getting your feelings hurt, whether intentionally or not. Everyone who hurts you isn’t a bad person, but that doesn’t mean that they deserve to be in your life. And sometimes, people just have no friggin idea that we aren’t getting what we want, because we don’t say anything – people are not mind readers.
And to myself: Ty, stop making excuses for people. Well, once she isn’t having a bad day at work… once he graduates from school… once his mom moves out of the country… blah blah blah. If you’re not important now, you’ll never be, regardless of the excuse. Stop feeling bad for knowing what you want. If you’re honest and fair, the people who truly care will be there.
And lastly -- From this philosophy book I just finished reading, “Being In Love” by Osho:
“Only those people capable of being alone are capable of love.”
‘Aint that the truth?
Look for my Love, Simplified blog tomorrow.
Dr. Ty
Author of "The Get A Life Campaign"
From the GAL Blogwww.getalifecampaign.comLabels: books, boundaries, breakups, friendship, guilt, looking for change, love, negativity, women
