Living for today?

I woke up from my rut-induced coma today to realize I haven't blogged since August 28th.

As each day passed, I knew I wasn't blogging, but I didn't notice how fast the days were moving. I've missed writing, and felt guilty about it, but I've just been so exhausted.

Between my work schedule, home stress, financial stress and life stress, I have felt not just tired -- but pretty claustrophobic... The point you reach when you want to walk away from it all, just to have a second to breathe and exist... to be. Be you.

I'm the worst at living for the future. Medicine does that to you. Put your time in now, for a reward at the end of the rainbow, some 7... 8... 9 years down the line. Just remember that salary... the car you can buy... the loans you can pay off... oh the places we will go!

You're tired today? Oh, don't worry, it'll be over in a few years. You miss your family? That's okay, you can buy them loads of stuff later.

The thought occurred to me... as I watched all of my interpersonal relationships suffer at the hand of working 80 hours a week, plus all the outside work...

What if none of these people are here at the end of the journey? Then, is all of this really worth it?

What will be left of me, constantly ignoring my daily needs for some promise that could conceivably never happen? We see tragedy every day -- the kid who doesn't make it to graduation because of some freak accident. The father who dies right before his kid is born. It happens. Being unhappy today is not worth some random point in the future that I can't smell, taste or touch right now. Or is it??

Out of complete emotional exhaustion, I've found myself peeling away anything unnecessary. Unnecessary conversation (no drama, please!), unnecessary battles (oh, she said that about me? oh well), unnecessary responsibility (another pet project? no thank you). My theme this month is conservation of energy. It's the only way I've made it to write to you guys right now. Leaving the unnecessary behind.

The rut spares no one. As I've written before, there is no cure, and you always have to be ready to fight it off. The truth is, that sometimes the small nuggets of time you get after working 13-hour shifts for 15 straight days just isn't enough. It isn't enough to feel whole. Isn't enough time to sleep and do something to pamper yourself. Sometimes, it's barely enough to survive.

And at that point, you need to take your life back.

Right now -- I'm doing my best.

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I was looking for the perfect, sentimental quote about living for today, but I couldn't resist sharing this:

If you have one eye on yesterday, and one eye on tomorrow, you're going to be cockeyed today. ~Author Unknown

Just perfect.

Dr. Ty
From the GAL Blog
www.getalifecampaign.com

From narcoleptic to insomniac

For the 4th night in a row, I can't fall asleep before 2am.

I'm used to being an insomniac... I can remember laying in bed as early as grammar school, watching the sun rise without so much as a wink of sleep all night.

But, my surgical ICU schedule last month made it very easy to fall asleep. Working 30 hours virtually every other day, with half days of work in between... not to mention picking up the munchkin by 6pm during the other two days. No sleep issues then.

Once the adrenaline of that schedule wore off, I crashed even harder. I finished my bid 2 days before my birthday. Purposely avoiding anything requiring major planning, a quiet weekend in some random town in New Hampshire sounded wonderful. Too bad my weekend is a blur of naps, food poisoning, and more naps.

The nice gazebo overlooking the inn's garden? Admired it through the backs of my eyelids. The boat cruise along Portsmouth Harbor and the Isles of Shoales? Snoozed. Any beautiful, quiet, relaxing moment? NAP time! I couldn't fight those heavy lids to save my life. Hours of my life gone, with only periodic awakenings filled with guilt about sleeping my birthday weekend away.


Oh well. It was relaxing.

So, I must have used up all of my sleep hours for the rest of the year. Because, now I'm struggling.

Maybe I need a little more narcoleptic New Hampshire in my life.

My favorite pic from the weekend...
found on the side of a random back road with no humans in site:

In case you can't see, it says: "Lettuce $1.00"

I definitely need more New Hampshire in my life.


Dr. Ty
From the GAL Blog
www.getalifecampaign.com

Ran Out O' Gas

I ran out of gas a couple of days ago... on the highway, no less. Maybe it's the $4/gallon I pay for gas on my SUV in CT. Maybe it's how quickly I burn gas during my 30-minute-each-way-commute this month. Could be. Or perhaps, I got in my car for days and days looking at the gas light, telling myself that I would be late (or later) if I stopped. Or, the times I got in the car, I convinced myself that if I could just make it to my destination I'd certainly get gas on the way back. On that particular day, the truth is, I had forgotten how many miles I'd driven since the light first appeared. I had forgotten how many times I'd cranked the ignition to see the lever on empty. With 20 minutes left to get my son, and annoying traffic right where I-91 meets I-95, I had to go for it.

Well, what happens when a car runs out of gas? It stops. First, I couldn't accelerate anymore (on the highway). That was scary enough. Then, the uh-oh lights came on in the display panel and I heard the engine stop. I threw it in neutral and coasted to the right shoulder and down the nearest exit, trying to use my momentum from the downward hill to get me around the corner and out of danger. Eghhhh, not quite. But, a very nice Comcast repairman (he must have been smiling on the inside, because his face was so not into it) pushed me the few feet I needed to to not get slammed by cars exiting from the ramp. A gas station just a block away (but too far to push), I begged to borrow the gas can, brought the Vue a sip of gas, cranked it, and filled the rest of the tank at the pump.

With my fiasco, I was only 15 minutes late picking my son up from school (I'd frantically called as soon as the engine went down).

While this snafoo was clearly indicative of how spent, rushed and time-famished I've been lately... the reality is that it is truly symbolic of my life right now.

Tyeese is out of gas.

I have worked 18 of the last 21 days, at least 50-80 hours/week. I have been getting up, getting dressed, going to work, seeing patients, coming home, cooking or dining out (more of the latter lately), picking/dropping off the munchkin to/from the sitter, cleaning up the house, attempting to sleep, dealing with tons of sadness, trying to roll with the punches as everything around me is changing-changing-changing. And for at least the last month, my personal gas light has been coming on as soon as my eyes pop open in the morning, and I have ignored it: I don't have time, I gotta get the munchkin dressed, I need to read up on that patient, I need to sleep/call my friends/do something fun. So I drove and drove and drove and drove myself: I can make it, I know I can. I'll fill up on the way back.. oops, I forgot. I'll stop when this is over... and alas, the gas tank runneth dry, and I am burned out.

Vacation is near, but something's got to give.

Dr. Ty
From the GAL Blog
www.getalifecampaign.com